And now we have our latest example: Yannick Noah. For those of you who don’t know, Yannick is the former tennis star father of Chicago Bulls forward Joakim Noah. Sunday in Gainesville, FL, the younger Noah was arrested for carrying an open container of alcohol on the street at around 2AM. During a search at the station, Joakim was also found to be in the possession of marijuana. Noah signed a notice that he would appear in court and was released that same day. The maximum penalty he could face is 6 months in prison and a $500 fine. None of that is surprising: a young NBA player getting his drink on and his smoke on during the off season. What is shocking was his father, Yannick’s, reaction. He was quoted as saying he does not understand what “all that fuss” is about regarding his son’s arrest and that Joakim was just drinking a beer on the street.

Let’s skip the whole debate about whether or not there should be open container laws. We’ll even forego the great “Marijuana should be legalized” train that all you hippies out there love to jump on. The reality is that carrying an open container containing alcohol is illegal in Gainesville, FL. It is also illegal to be the in possession of marijuana in the United States. So what in God’s name is Yannick Noah thinking? Joakim broke a state law and a federal law at the same time, yet his father wants to know what all of the fuss is about!

Whatever happened to parenting? This may seem odd coming from a writer who has only been alive for a quarter of a century, but kids are crazy! I remember growing up, doing something wrong, getting caught and then being punished by my parents. Sometimes it was the “I’m so disappointed in you” speech, sometimes it was being grounded and sometimes it was getting slap across the face or whooped with belt. Not anymore! We have entered the Dr. Spock era of parenting. The era of reasoning with your children. The era of never giving your child a spanking because it will damage his self-esteem. The era of parenting in which a child could stockpile a rather large arsenal in his basement, make bombs and carry out a carefully planned assault on his own school without his parents ever knowing! Has anyone noticed the rise in crime and deviant behavior among children and teens? Maybe we need a new strategy, or better yet, the old strategy.

The entire incident with Joakim Noah and his father is asinine! First of all, Joakim is an NBA player, so he’ll pay his miniscule fine (he makes over $2 million a year); maybe do some community service and this will all go away. Clearly the same would not happen if you or I were in the same situation because, as we all know, the wealthy and the famous are simply better people and above the laws and consequences of the average person. Joakim broke a law and needs to be punished accordingly. Instead, he will receive a slap on the wrist and little else. Then, to top it off, his father comes out and says that it’s not big deal. Yannick shouldn’t have even been making any comments about this because Joakim is an adult, he made an adult decision and now will (somewhat) face the consequences. If Yannick was going to make a public comment about the arrest, he should have expressed disappointment, displeasure, the idea that Joakim was remorseful…

SOMETHING! He reacted like a little leaguer who hit a pop up with less than two outs and the bases loaded and was called out even though the fielder dropped the ball and everyone advanced a base. He gets told that the infield-fly rule exists and instead of acknowledging the rule, he complains that it is a stupid rule. Stupid rules do exist, but they are there because at some point in time, society required that a rule be created. Without rules, we would all just be tree-dwelling crap-flingers (to borrow a line from “That 70’s Show”).

What can be done about the children? Spend time talking to your child. Get to know them. That way, if they are taking drugs or planning an overnight offensive on Canada, you might actually notice. Let your child be punished for mistakes they make. If they get in trouble at school, let them get detention. If they don’t do their work, make them work their butts of to pass or get held back a grade. If they get caught trying to steal gum from the 7 Eleven, let them spend a night in Juvi. And for God’s sake, whoop your kids from time to time when they do something wrong. Unless you are punching them in the face or beating them till they bleed, a good whooping never hurt anybody. So Yannick, if you’re out there, when Joakim comes to visit you in France, please make the first thing you do be a backhand across his face. The NBA won’t teach him (you can’t even find mention of this story on the NBA’s or Chicago Bulls’ website). The legal system here won’t teach him. Looks like it is up to you.

PS: Make him get a haircut too.

Roger Clemens is Barry Bonds; just white. Just look at the facts. From age 35 to age 39 (2000-2004 seasons), Barry Bonds averaged over 51 homeruns and never hit fewer than 45 in that time span. Barry was clearly getting better as he entered the ages where most players start experiencing diminishing skills. Roger Clemens’ stats during the same period should have triggered the same type of witch hunt Bonds endured. From age 35 through age 43 (1997-2005) he had an ERA over 4.00 only twice (he spent time on the DL in both seasons: 1999 & 2002), over 180 Ks in every season except 1999, over 200 IP in every season except ‘99 and ‘02 and double-digit win totals every year! That kind of excellence and durability just doesn’t happen among pitchers once they hit their late-30s.

Yet here we are in 2007, a few years after the whole steroids issue blew up and Roger Clemens is just now taking some heat. It was all too clear that Roger Clemens had been using steroids for a long time. If someone’s production seems too good to be true, it usually is. So while Bonds faced fans booing, throwing things at him and holding up signs ranging from a simple asterisk to extremely inappropriate comments, Roger Clemens gets his nice day in front of Congress, and that is about it. Honestly, it seems like Clemens was the big story for a week or two, and that was it. Even the whole alleged affair with Mindy McCready has not resulted in the feelings of hatred or outrage toward Clemens that Bonds experienced for steroid use. Baseball fans were screaming for Bonds to be suspended, for his records struck from the record book and for him to be burned at the stake live in Times Square. Yet the same fans seem to be content with letting Roger Clemens be. In fact, the Astros reported that they have not ruled out the possible signing of Roger Clemens to pitch for them this season.

In looking at Roger Clemens, let’s just skip the whole steroids issue first and look at the alleged affair with McCready. Assuming that everything is true (and let’s face it, Clemens hasn’t exactly appeared to be Mother Teresa lately), Mindy McCready was only 15 years old when the affair began and Clemens was 28 and married. At the time, Clemens was pitching for the Boston Red Sox. Statutory rape laws in both Florida, where the two first met, and Massachusetts prohibit adults from engaging in sexual activity with a minor under the age of 16 (15 < 16 for the math nerds). Therefore, if this affair is found to be true, Roger Clemens should, but won’t, face up to 15 years in prison. Of course, fame and money will never allow that to happen (I call this the OJ effect). But the point is that nobody cares! I haven’t seen Clemens on TV in the past week. The only thing I have heard about anything Clemens-related is that he is “not retired” and the Astros may sign him.

So that brings us to the idea that Bonds may be the victim of collusion among the MLB teams to keep him out of baseball for good. At first glance, this appeared to me to be ridiculous too. But you know… there may be something to this. In 2007, when he played, Barry Bonds was still a very serviceable hitter; we won’t mention fielding. Last season, Bonds still hit 28 home runs, walked 132 times and had an OPS of 1.045. He did all of this with only 340 ABs, meaning he homered every 12.1 at bats. You mean to tell me that someone couldn’t use this guy in the middle of their lineup? He can’t play the field well anymore, so let’s stay in the AL and look at two teams that have been mentioned numerous times as possible fits for Bonds; Detroit and Seattle. With Gary Sheffield injured (and mostly worthless), the Tigers, who have been this years biggest disappointment, desperately need a power boost, especially one from the left side of the plate. Drop Bonds between Magglio Ordonez and Miguel Cabrera and that offense in bound to get better. The better fit would probably be Seattle, where Jose Vidro is the best option they have at DH. Yes, that Jose Vidro who couldn’t stick as the second baseman for the Nationals! Vidro has only hit 20 HRs in a season once, and that was 8 years ago! He has never had more than 100 RBIs in a season and is only slugging .304 this year. Isn’t the designated hitter supposed to be someone who drives in runs and provides some power? Vidro barely even gets on base (OBP .254) and when he does, he doesn’t run (1 SB) and he doesn’t score (12 Runs). Barry Bonds could step in with a tiki torch and provide more production than Jose Vidro. Not to mention Ichiro and Ibanez are the only two regulars who bat left-handed. Bonds would come relatively cheap and immediately and drastically improve that offense. Something fishy must be going on for Bonds not be in a Tigers or Mariners uniform by now.

What about Clemens? Well, last year looked like this for him: 18 appearances, 99 IP (5.5 innings per appearance), 6 W, 6 L and a 4.18 ERA. Not to mention he wore out the bullpen and had to skip a number of starts due to injuries, fatigue, etc. Is it just a coincidence that once they started more stringent testing for steroids, his performance severely diminished? While players with talent will always get second and third and fourth chances, there comes a time when the bad outweighs the good. Then again, if the double-standard continues and nobody cares about what (or who) Roger Clemens did, what is the risk? Roger Clemens would now, at best, be a marginal starting pitcher. At least U.S. Olympic Baseball GM Bob Watson realized what Clemens is: an average pitcher and a ticking time bomb.

You won’t hear me say this often, but the treatment Barry Bonds received was racist and unjust. The idea has been out there for a while, but unlike many other instances, the race card is justified. For Roger Clemens to be allowed to just fade out of view, or even to possibly be signed to pitch again, while Barry Bonds was all but ridden out of baseball on a rail is discrimination. So play the race card loud and proud! I want Al Sharpton preaching at a press conference. I want Jesse Jackson leading the NAACP on a march in Barry’s name. Steroids or not, Barry Bonds is still one of the greatest players in the history of baseball. For him to be forced out while his Caucasian equivalent is ignored or embraced again is absolutely wrong!

There… I said it. I think I just threw up a little in my mouth. Why am I so disgusted by my support of the Lakers? First, the Lakers are the most polarizing team in the NBA. They are the Yankees of basketball. You are either a Lakers fan or you hate them, and I my friends am the latter. Its not that I wish them harm; it’s just that I am tired of the Lakers. From about 1998 - 2004, the NBA was Shaq, Kobe and the Lakers and that was about it. If the NBA was on TV, it was the Lakers vs. (Insert irrelevant team here). Then Shaq goes to Miami. Finally, something new to talk about? Not a chance. Now we have the Shaq vs. Kobe feud. Every Christmas we had to endure another over-hyped Heat/Lakers game. Then even during the off-season. Shaq is out of shape and injured, but we still have Kobe. Kobe goes on show after show, flipping a coin to decide whether he will play the disgruntled star that refuses to play another game or the humble employee who wants to be a Laker for life. Kobe flip-flopped more often than John Kerry. And now we have the Lakers as the number one team in the West, nudged over the top by the late-season addition of Pau Gasol (forget investigating collusion in keeping Bonds out of baseball, how the hell did this trade go through?).

So now we have the “Dream Final Four,” as Mike & Mike called it this morning; The Lakers/Spurs and Pistons/Celtics. All storied franchises with a winning tradition. Both conference finals should prove to be great battles and entertaining to watch. But for the love of God, please don’t leave me with another Spurs vs. Pistons finals. We tried this once and we already know that nobody in America really cares about these teams (outside of San Antonio and Detroit), and nobody will watch. In the Spurs we have probably the most uncelebrated dynasty ever in professional sports. They win every other year, but the fact is that the Spurs are BORING! The star player is the Bryant Gumbel of the NBA (the whitest African American they could come up with), the point guard is French (do I need to expand on this) and the next best player is Ginobili, who bitches and complains about officiating while being guilty of flops worthy of Oscar-consideration (or at least The World Cup). The Spurs are a hard team to like and an even harder team to watch. The Spurs are the equivalent of Pete Sampras; maybe one of the best of all time, but nobody cares because there are flashier, more enjoyable things out there to see. In the East, we may end up with Detroit. Are these the role models we want for young basketball players? They have all but said they coast through the regular season and have actually admitted getting bored during games! They play the same style of boring basketball as the Spurs, but they are more arrogant about it. Even Flip Saunders has said that the Pistons take nights off and gives the impression that he could care less. If only the Eastern Conference had more than 2 good teams (DET & BOS) and 1 great player (LeBron), then the Pistons would stroll into the playoffs and get hammered in the first round. As it is, the 76ers tried much harder than the Pistons, but they suck so it doesn’t matter. Orlando was reminded that they are a year or two and a player or two away.

So give me Boston vs. Los Angeles in the NBA Finals. I know it will be completely over-hyped and all we’ll see on Sportscenter is old clips of Lakers/Celtics games. We’ll hear crazy analysts comparing Kobe and KG to the Magic and Bird clashes of the past. I don’t care. At least the product will be entertaining. We’ll have some games that get into the 90s, maybe even 100s here and there. The Celtics will probably take games 1 & 2 at home in close games, then get blown out in LA. Kobe will probably hit a big shot in game 5 in Boston to give LA the win. Ray Allen will still be completely absent from any big moments, KG will still be putting up 20 and 10 every game and Paul Pierce will keep playing well… and Boston will get blown out again in LA and Kobe will finally get the hoist his first post-Shaq championship trophy. Even though seeing the Lakers win the championship will make me nauseous, at least I will see it. If we get a Spurs/Pistons final, or even a Spurs/Celtics final, basketball season will officially end early for me and it will be hello Women’s College Softball World Series.

While I empathize with the Stephen and his family, the idea that of everything that caused this accident, the bat was to blame, and therefore the bat manufacturer, Little League baseball and the store where the bat was purchased is ridiculous. Ernest Fronzuto, the family’s attorney, is simply looking to make a name for himself. He, in typical lawyer fashion, is taking a tragic situation and trying to make some money off of it by playing on the emotions of a devastated family.

The fact is that Steven was playing sports and, unfortunately, injuries are a part of the game. While this was a serious injury, it was part of something that can happen in baseball and no amount of money won from a lawsuit will change that. The notion that this never would have happened if the players were using wood, rather than aluminum, bats is absurd. The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s National Electronic Injury Surveillance System studied the number deaths occurring in baseball activities from 1991-2001. While more of the 17 deaths resulting from batted balls were caused by metal bats than wood bats, there were more deaths that resulted from thrown balls than metal and wood bats combined! Perhaps we should head to Washington to outlaw baseballs and replace them with whiffleballs or spongeballs. The fact is that while the entire situation is very unfortunate, it was an accident.

Hillerich & Bradsby Co. cannot be at fault because there is little or no data supporting the claim that metal bats, and more specifically the 31-inch, 19-ounce Louisville Slugger TPX Platinum, are inherently more dangerous than wood bats. There is an inherent risk in playing baseball. There is an even greater risk in playing pitcher. The circumstances surrounding this event were like the perfect storm; everything had to be just right for everything to go so wrong. If this were a wood bat, would the parents be trying to sue the bat company because wood bats are dangerous? The pitcher is throwing the ball in one direction while a person with a long, blunt object is trying to hit it back in the direction from which it came. These types of injuries are bound to happen.

Little League Baseball should be in the clear. Not only can the bat not be proven to be more dangerous, but the injury didn’t even occur in a Little League sanctioned game. Steven was pitching in a Police Athletic League game. This is the equivalent of getting food poisoning at a Wendy’s and then suing McDonald’s because they are both fast food companies.
And, finally, I can see no way in which The Sports Authority can be charged with anything in this case. The sporting goods store simply sold a bat to a customer. Now, if they sold a rifle to a 15-year-old kid who went on a shooting spree the next day, I would be all in favor of holding them responsible. But if proper sales discretion is used, no store should ever be responsible for how their products are used. Anything can be used as a weapon. If a person killed another person by strangling them with a jump rope, nobody would be suing Toys R Us. If a husband suffocates his wife with a pillow, is Bed Bath & Beyond now liable? The answer is no!

This is truly a situation where there are no winners. The Domalewski family loses because their son was seriously injured while playing a game they love and may never recover. Hillerich & Bradsby Co., Little League Baseball and The Sports Authority all lose because of all of the negative publicity they will receive during this case. And, believe it or not, I am sure that all three “defendants” feel horrible about what happened. Youth baseball loses because all anyone will hear in the media for months will be related to how dangerous baseball can be. And, if there is any justice, Ernest Fronzuto will lose because he is trying to take advantage of a tragedy.

So how do we create winners? First, everyone should save face by negotiating out of court. The Domalewski family should drop their lawsuit, and Hillerich & Bradsby Co., Little League Baseball and The Sports Authority should create a charity to aide families who have children seriously injured while playing baseball and each should donate a large sum. Donations should be sought from all of the companies that sponsor the Little League World Series. At least this way the only loser is a lawyer. Who doesn’t like that ending?

For more information, see these stories:
http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/B/BOYS_BASEBALL_INJURY?SITE=VANOV&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT

http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/B/BBY_BOYS_BASEBALL_INJURY?SITE=VANOV&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT

http://www.usatoday.com/sports/2007-06-03-bats-cover_N.htm

So why are we (and by we I mean the collective sports fan nation) so interested in sports? What makes us different from the Wisconsin natives who are indifferent to anything having to do with sports? The only thing I can come up with is growing up without participating in any sports. Athletes, male and female, become ingrained with a love sports that never goes away. When we can’t play anymore, we watch. Sports are the last true source of completely unscripted reality television. This thought occurred to me while my wife was forcing me to watch The Hills (all while complaining about how scripted the MTV “reality” show has become) or some cooking show. We all know how these things will end. Heidi and Spencer will get back together and Rachael Ray will always pull a delicious and fully cooked Turkey out of the oven only seconds after she puts the raw turkey in. If just once, Giada tasted her soup, grimaced at the camera and shouted, “This tastes like shit!” I’d be hooked. It’s the same principle as watching a Mike Tyson fight just to see if he bites someone’s leg off.

So, for those of you who find yourself having to constantly defend yourself and your sports viewing habits, here is a list of sport specific argument to store in your memory for the next time your wife (and maybe an in-law) start complaining.

MLB: The Rays and Diamondbacks are up and the Yankees are a mess. How could I miss one minute of the Yankees missing the playoffs for the first time in 13 years in the final season at the House that Ruth built? Besides, its America’s past time.

NBA: I don’t want to miss the next thing David Stern is going to do to screw the league and blow any momentum the league was gaining (2007: Suns players suspended in playoffs for not getting off the bench and not doing anything. 2008: How many games are scheduled for this weekend? ONE) Just pray for the Spurs and Pistons to not make the finals or even your wife will know it isn’t worth watching. At no point should you watch any regular season game. They don’t matter much and the players reflect that.

NFL: It’s football. Enough said.

NHL: Hockey is by far the most difficult sport to play, there is nothing more intense than overtime during the playoffs in hockey and players are given weapons before they go out on the ice. Again, watch the regular season at your own risk.

Softball: The last sport in which USA is truly dominant. The world has caught up in basketball. It’s unpatriotic to not watch softball.

Little League World Series: Every guy wants to be the guy who sees a guy in the majors and say, “I called this when I saw him play for New Jersey way back in the LLWS.”

Soccer: The whole world outside of the US can’t be wrong. If all else fails, tell her your boss is English and a huge Manchester United fan.

Please feel free to add any more arguments to the list… for the good of men everywhere!